Week 188

Oct 3-9

Something has been bothering me lately.  Well I guess I should say that lots of things have been bothering me.  There is the stress of working so much, the sickness that has been plaguing me since July, overall stress of having two small kids, never having ANY time to myself or time with my husband.  Lately I've been posting about what the kids have been up to and have not really allowed myself to delve into the real issues that we deal with as a family.  I think that a part of this blog should be my way of getting my feelings out there.  I don't know if anyone is listening, but at least I'll feel better at the end of it.

So of all the things I listed as the problems, they are all linked and intertwined into each other.  I just feel like my life is off kilter lately.  As most of you know I am the one working right now, the 'breadwinner' so to speak.  I used to think that this was a silly term, but when you are the one bringing in the main source of income you take on a different level of responsibility.  I have always worked full time, and made money comparable to Ed, but when he was in the military he pulled all the benefits and I always considered him the 'breadwinner' in my mind.  We aren't hurting for money by any means, but we are also under some restrictions that we are not used to.  We have always had two incomes until the past year or so.

It also doesn't hurt that I am super conservative with money and so if there is not a lofty cushion of excess fundage in the bank I get super duper anxious about it.  I don't know why I am like that, I have never been "poor" to the point of starvation or anything, but maybe since I see so many people at this level I have instilled that fear into myself.  I have never aspired to have tons of money, but I don't want to be foolish and spend money I don't have.  I guess it is difficult to find that balance.  I keep telling myself that it is awesome to live off of just my income.  By the time Ed gets finished with nursing school and we are completely used to that money...when he starts working we will be very comfortable.  It is not a big deal the whole money thing, but it still causes some anxiety because I feel like we are walking a line.

There are so many things I still want to do and I feel like I am having to be very creative to fund the projects.  I need to get both boys into one room.  We are currently in the market for bunk beds and it seems like it is nearly impossible to find solid wood bunk beds for less than around $600-700 once you include the mattresses and everything.  We also need a dresser for the boys because they have a small closet in their room and all of their clothes won't fit into it.  Once I get Abel out of the nursery I am converting it into an office for Ed.  He needs a nice place to work on his school work.  Nursing school is upon us...come January he will be in full fledged nursing school complete with clinicals and classes Monday-Thursday.  I want to get him a nice big desk so he has a space to work.  I would love to get some kind of book shelf so he can actually organize all of his things.  Right now he is working out of a computer desk "armoire" thing that we bought off of Craigslist about 3 years ago.  It definitely served its purpose for what we paid for it.  It is just so cluttered and in the middle of our room.  When you open the doors it blocks the door to the bathroom.  He has to take an extra chair from the table in the kitchen.  It drives me INSANE.  The cluster**** of stuff is out of control.  I literally avoid using the computer because it is so overwhelming to sit here.  I will have to take a picture so I can better explain. It's not even his fault, there is just no room to do anything.

This doesn't do it justice.  You can't even see all the clutter.  It is INSANE!!!

Luckily you can close the doors, but it still drives me nuts because I know what is behind the doors.

The next big issue.  No time to do anything.  I feel so overwhelmed all the time.  I have never felt this way before.  I work a lot, but even when I pick up overtime I have 3 whole days a week off.  Why do I feel so overwhelmed?  I feel like Ed and I literally tag team it as parents.  I work Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun and then he has class all day Tues/Thurs.  Mondays I sleep half the day whenever I pick up an extra Sunday night.  Wednesdays are the only time we are both here.  Half the time he has to do homework or meet up with classmates for projects, or study.  Don't forget the day to day things like laundry, dishes, cleaning, dusting, general house maintenance, car maintenance, yard work, etc.  Oh and throw in the fact that we have two small kids who require constant supervision and attention.

Whenever you are stuck with the kids it is impossible to get anything done.  Abel walks/runs everywhere and is into EVERYTHING he can get his hands on.  I don't care how much childproofing one does to a house it is never enough to be able to get caught up in cleaning or something that requires more than two seconds to complete.  I can't even empty the dishwasher without him grabbing knives, glasses, breakable plates, etc.  It's not worth it to even try until he is either napping or in bed because for every plate I put away, he is grabbing three other things and I just feel like I'm yelling all the time.  Then I will hear something like water running in the bathroom and realize Jack is no longer in the room.  It requires me to close up the dishwasher and venture to the back bathroom to see what he is up to.  Inevitably there is some kind of mess to clean up.  While I am cleaning it up Abel is getting into the bathroom and pulling all the toilet paper off the roll while Jack is onto the next adventure.  It's never ending.  I feel like I just put out fires all day.  The house is NEVER clean.  EVER.  It is all we can do to pick up the toys and keep the main living area and kitchen cleaned up.

There are things piling up everywhere.  I have clothes that are too small in a big pile in the guest room.  I still need to go through all of the "baby" stuff and take what I can to the baby consignment shop.  I need to go through both boys' clothes to see what can go and what can stay so I can make sure they have enough winter clothes/shoes.  I desperately need to go through everything in the garage and organize it so that we have more room.  There is just "stuff" everywhere.  Half the time I have something that goes out there I just shove it out the door because kids are trying to get out or I have something else to do and don't have the time to put it away.  The guest room still has boxes of stuff everywhere from the move.  Most of it is Jack's "firefighter room" stuff.  I plan on making the room up in the same motif once I get the bunk beds.  I just haven't put up anything because I don't know where everything will go until I actually get the new furniture.

Want to hear something embarrassing?  Jack is sleeping on a mattress on the ground at the moment.  It was actually his choice.  We offered him the queen sized guest bed (very comfy) but he wanted the mattress.  He is very excited about getting bunk beds so we will continue to shop around until we find some in our price range.  I recently figured out an option to help pull in extra cash.  Twice a year at work we can turn in our PTO (paid time off) for cash.  The problem is that they only give you 80% of your base pay and then they tax it.  Kind of depressing, but I guess it is better than putting things on a credit card.  That is another thing I hate doing.  We could be much more comfortable and buy a bunch of stuff, pay the minimum with the intention of paying it all in full once Ed works again.  I think that would put me over the edge though.  I would only do that out of desperation in an emergency.

Okay last complaint.  The never ending sickness that I have finally concluded as allergies.  It is bad.  It has gotten to the point of actually wheezing and requiring an inhaler.  Luckily for me I have friends with extra inhalers.  I have been shopping around for a doctor for weeks.  It seems like no one here takes our crappy insurance.  It is really hard to find a doctor.  It seems like it should be simple.  I will work on that.  In the meantime I constantly take Claritin, Benadryl, NyQuil, and Albuterol.  I used to NEVER take medication except for a rare Tylenol or Motrin.  I probably need to be tested for allergens, but I have no idea how much that will cost and it really makes me anxious to think about it.

Christmas is upon us.  Car taxes are nearly due.  I keep telling myself that everything will be fine.  The part that bothers me the most is that it's really not that bad, I just make it bad in my head.  Then I feel guilty because I know people who are struggling way more than we are and they have more mouths to feed.  I have nothing to complain about, yet I can't shake this constantly overwhelming feeling.  It's just frustrating never getting anything done.  I am grateful that we don't have to put our kids in day care, but sometimes I secretly wish they could go one day a week.  Isn't that terrible?  It is awful that I think these things.  Usually by the end of the day once we get the boys in bed we will watch a show together and I am falling asleep by 8:30-9:00 pm.

Anyone have any words of advice?  Has anyone else ever felt this way about things?  I have to end this post because Abel is up from his nap and Jack has been playing quietly in his play room.  He did interrupt me seven times in the 40 minutes it took me to write this.  I can't complain though, because I am basically ignoring him to update my blog.  Where do other moms find time to do things?

One last thought.  I REALLY want to start working out again, but that seems nearly impossible in the scheme of things.  I used to just throw Jack in the jogging stroller when he was little.  I can't do that anymore.  Even if I had a double jogging stroller I think Jack would be too big.  Grrr.  I can't really afford the YMCA.

Sigh.

One day things will get back to normal.  I do feel a little bit better.  Maybe next week I will put up cute pictures of the kids and write about fun happy things.  :)